Monday, February 10, 2014

Worry Notes

Today, I just sat down for about an hour and just typed down whatever came to mind. Of course, I feel that I have a lot more fears and worries than listed here but I have work to do. I can't just sit around all day doing this, can I? :P  


I’m worried that people will find out that I’m a fraud.

I’m worried that I’ll never make my parents and my brother proud.

I’m worried that I’ll never be able to accomplish any of my dreams, no matter how small.

I’m worried that I’ll end up homeless, living in trash and my own filth, forgotten by my own friends and even family.

I’m worried that I’ll die alone and sad. I’m worried for my parents. They are getting on in years and they seem frailer and frailer with the passing time.

I’m worried that I’ll lose my grandmother soon and with that a precious link to the past. It’ll be much harder to find out about family history, and keep in touch my language and my culture with her gone.

I’m worried that I’ll end up in dead end job that I loathe, to earn money to pay for shit I don’t even need, want or like to fit in a society from which I feel alienated.

I’m worried that I’ll always settle for second best, in regards, to my hopes, aspirations and life goals.

I’m worried that I’ll never graduate from uni with a degree.

I’m worried that I even worry about such things. Sometimes I don’t know if I even want a uni degree. Maybe I just want one because it is what my family expects of me, what society expects of me. This year marks 10 years since I’ve graduated from high school. Since that time, I’ve seen many of my classmates marry, have children, travel around the world, earn doctorates, accomplish so many of these wonderful things in their lives. I’ve felt I’ve done next to nothing with my life, it can be very depressing.

I’m worried that I’ll never be able to travel and see all the places that I’ve dreamed of seeing.

I’m worried for my best friend. I feel he is incredibly intelligent, has a lot going for him and a lot of potential. However, he seems to be in quite a rut. His pessimistic attitude towards everything in his life can be quite grating at times, but I feel he (like myself) just needs a break in his life. I feel like if I push these issues too much, I’ll lose our friendship, so I try to stay quiet. I hope he can find something about which he is truly passionate and turn that attitude of his around.

I’m worried that I’ll associate myself with the wrong people in life, bring all sorts of untold troubles on myself, my family and my friends.

I’m worried that I’m no better than the people I criticise, disdain and condemn; the racists, the homophobes, the misogynists, the rapists, the murderers, the pedophiles, the fascists, exploiters of people and the earth. All of them.

I’m worried about not appearing genuine to people, that I’d be seen a poser.

I’m worried that all my bullshit will finally be exposed to the world to see. I guess that’s related to being worried about being exposed as a fraud and seen as a poser. Perhaps I shouldn’t worry about this, maybe it’d be liberating.

I’m worried about Yoda, that fat fuck of a dog that Dad is looking after. He seems rather unhealthy these days; he doesn’t look like he can jump up or even run anymore. Whenever I mentioned that to Dad, he gets angry. He tells me that he has already reduced Yoda’s meal portions and that he takes Yoda for a walk every day. Every time I see Yoda though, he looks like a few minutes away from keeling over. All things must die. I accept that fact but if he can have a few more healthy years, why not try to give that chance to him? Maybe he’s happy being fat though and it’s none of my business.

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